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I have been icy.

I have been sarcastic.

I have been unapologetically vicious.

I have been studying a lot more.

I have been skipping meals.

Besides, I crave for isolation at times, because sometimes it feels that the world is so congested.

People around me have been questioning my behaviors lately. They do it silently, perhaps when I wasn't around, if they did not confront me directly.

But they don't understand. Everything is going great for me. Nothing is wrong. They are just making a big deal out of it because they are too accustomed to my previous behaviors.

I have also learned what a friend has been up to. Screw you, I'm a hell lot sharper than you think I am. You ought to feel extremely apologetic right now.

Striding Forward

While I recharge before getting back to work, I guess I better start talking.

I know I've informed you about my breakup, but well... I have not actually talk about the whole entire breakup.

In short, I came to this heartbreaking decision last Monday, having mustered enough courage and determination to uproot this relationship. He didn't love me, although he might have cared for my feelings and wellbeing to a certain extent. All the broken promises, the time he had but didn't want to spend with me, the oh-whatever attitude toward me, his then-girlfriend, apparently "one true love". I was simply a girl who caught his eye. Something nice to have around, whose company was enjoyable.

Unlike me, he was on his break at that time. He texted me the evening, asking me how I was.

Fine. It was all I sent back.

As expected, he asked if anything had happened.

Nothing. I said.

Sensing something, he asked if I wanted him to call.

No.

Is there anything? He inquired again.

Nothing.

Then, he texted Jennifer, a close friend of mine, asking how I was. He added, that I was "acting oddly". Unbeknownst to him, Jennifer was just sitting right across the table, already aware of my decision. Jennifer told him to ask me instead.

Around 7.30 pm, just when I was about to shower, he called.

I went out to the balcony, to where it began in the first place, to deliver my first breakup speech.

"You have been wanting me to end it for some time already, right?!" Angry tears started to stream down my face. He had, all these while, lied about loving me.

And of course, he denied it. Oh, he sounded so innocent about it. But I had already seen it coming, and there was no way I would make any mistake.

"Since you don't give a damn, why should I f___king care?" I screamed at him, while the waterworks continued.

"I don't want to lose you..." He began, the standard line that made me stay so many times. But I would not be deceived anymore.

"Don't you realize that you have already lost me?"

So, he didn't realize that.

"You want to end it, just like that?"

"Yes!!" I wanted to end the unreal relationship, to move on. I knew, that I could be happier, a lot happier without him.

And so I became a happy single again.

To all of you, especially those who have not been in a relationship before. Contrary to popular belief, being in a relationship isn't really only all about "he loves her, and she loves him, so they are together". It requires commitment from both sides, trust, responsibility amongst other things, and living up to them all the time.

Moreover, being in a relationship isn't always equated to happiness. See? I'm way happier now.

There, I'm striding forward, surviving, victoriously, gloriously.

Yes, I heard that he appears to be sad lately. But, I know for sure that he's down not because he lost me, but because he was "dumped".

Okay. Whatever. I've become so strong that I would never fall back into his arms, ever again.

Awake & Alive

People say that it takes a lot of courage and determination to walk away from a relationship, regardless of how much a jackass your partner/ex-partner is. Nonetheless, it too, takes valiance and fighter's spirit to survive after a breakup.

But look, I'm doing great. Greater. Than. Ever. I reckon my ever-persistent will to conquer and acquire victory contributed in my post-breakup survival.

I know a girl who after her breakup a few months ago, somehow lost sight of all hopes. One afternoon, when she was supposed to be in a class with the rest of her friends, she decided to cut her wrist. Luckily, a friend who noticed something was amiss, managed to stop her from severing her veins any further, just in time.

Well, I'm confident that it'll never happen to me. Because life is always worth living.

Right now, I am on a relatively healthy diet, in which I exercise more to lose weight. Don't get me wrong, I'm not doing it out of sheer vanity. I know what the world wants, and how it works. I'm simply doing what I have to in order to adapt, and survive.

And I'm increasing my vocabulary, and general knowledge by reading Time magazines again. It helps my critical thinking too.

I'm awake, and alive. I'll survive, gloriously.

2 months, and 14 days

I know what you are wondering. If I know you in real life, you probably already knew. If we have never met, you probably would have guessed anyway.

After 2 months and 14 days, J and I broke up. I, have finally mustered enough strength to walk away from this unreal relationship, where he didn't really mean it when he said he loved me. In retropect, I've always known that he didn't truly love me.

Thinking back, I was simply a girl who caught his attention, unintentionally. He probably had "feelings" for me. At the end of the day, having "feelings" doesn't always mean "I love you". He might have admired my intelligence and sharpness, or/and he could have thought of me as an adorable girl, like my friends Jennifer and Ryan. But he didn't really care.

Now. This really leads me to wonder if men really possess certain quality emotions. Like what Jennifer says, it's so easy for guys to say "I love you", as if this meaningful phrase is just something to throw around. On Monday, hours before I broke up with J over the phone, I told her that I figured that at many times, when guys say that, they might as well say "I want you".

And I conclude that guys of our age are more into the experience, more than the commitment, trust and responsibility. I have realized why many girls, especially those who have been in relationships before don't trust guys. At least, not that easily.

I do not regret this relationship, because it opened my eyes to nearly everything. However, I don't regret walking away from this relationship. "You deserve better," almost everyone who knew about it, and talked to me about the breakup told me that. J wasn't there for me at all, but I was there for him. His actions, and broken promises pushed me away from him. Jennifer had been furious with him about that, even Ryan had wanted to show him the finger. His brother, and his brother's girlfriend hadn't agreed with his treatment of me.

People have also been telling me that I've been very strong, very good. At some point I'm going to have to move on. That was why I had chosen to move on immediately. I did not want to make most people's sad mistake by mourning for an eternity, wasting lives away.

Right now, I will put in most of my energy in my academics. I have a very bright future ahead of me, and someone waiting for me, somewhere in time.

I totally meant those words I screamed at him while tears streamed down my face. "I don't f___king care!"

Hell yeah, I don't care. I don't f___king care.

And why, I no longer cry over it. I am nearly 18 now, and big girls don't cry.

There will be no more pain. No more tears. No more ignorance.

Heather, Audrey & Luke

Since my brother was having his holiday, and had come to town to visit me, I met up with him in the mall nearby. He brought his girlfriend and her little brother along. We had lunch at a Japanese restaurant, which was on my brother.

While waiting for the food to arrive, I ask my brother, if he'd like to speak to my boyfriend J on the phone. He declined, saying that he'd criticize him. Maybe to avoid hurting my feelings, he made it sound as if he was joking. But I knew better. When I asked again, my brother told me, in a more serious manner, that he'd ask J, "How are you going to protect my sister?"

Further, I also asked my brother if our mother had said anything about J. My brother replied, telling me that after she lectured him about his girlfriend (who never got my mother's approval), she went on about J before sulking silently.

Well, I wish I wouldn't have to feel this hurt.

After the lunch, I made my way back to my room at the hostel. I needed to talk to someone. Through my text message, J had sensed that I needed to tell him something, so he called. In between tears, I told him what I'd learned, and what happened. When I told him about my brother's question, there was a few seconds of silence, before he calmly replied, "Wow, that's a good question."

Now, J wants me to think very thoroughly about this relationship. "I just want you to be happy," he said.

This morning, when we were talking on the phone, he told me that he has an answer to my brother's inquiry. He said he'd use all his strength and ability, doing his best to protect me, and he would not allow anything to harm me.

Now you might be puzzled over the title of this post already. All right, to tell the truth- J and I have been very serious about this relationship, ever since it begun 2 months and 13 days ago. It had been the third day of our relationship. We were leaning against the railing of the balcony outside the campus's library. He'd asked me, "If we do get married, do you want me to earn more money or you earn more money?"

I told him it'd be better if he earns more.

"Okay... how many kids do you want?"

Smiling, I told him I'd like to have three children. We'd later decide that 2 girls and 1 boy would be nice, so that the little guy could learn to be protective instead of having a girl gone tomboyish.

Then, during one of our phone calls, we'd actually chosen some names. Heather, Audrey and Luke.

We have both hoped for it. Great campus life together, high-paying and fulfilling careers, a wonderful marriage and lovely kids. I have wanted him to escort me, to walk me through the rest of my life.

I wish, that there's nothing standing in our way. I really do wish so.

God, tell me, what I should do.

God, since you've allowed this relationship to happen, I pray to you- help us work everything out. You have chosen to let us love each other, so please spare us the heartbreak.

God, help us.

I wish, I could be free from my family's expectations and opinions. I wish they would let me live my own life. I don't want to fear them. Why, I don't want to be restricted by them.

Nevertheless, looking at the positive side... I'm still one extremely fortunate girl. =) All right, I'll always get what I want.

Finding Equilibrium

Judge not, and you'll not be judged.

This is all too familiar to all of you, I believe. But how much could one believe in it? I think about it at times.

Since I am an anonymous blogger, I reckon it should be safe for me to tell you this.
`

While composing my previous post just a couple of hours ago, I received a call from a dear old friend whom I shall call Irina.

For some reason, she was fuming on the other end of the line. During the previous night, she'd met up with another girl Catherine*, who is currently attending the same college as Irina, only in different courses. From what Irina narrated, it pretty much seems this old classmate's determined to be Irina's nightmare.
`

It became clear that Catherine had by chance, found out that Irina was involved with a girl some time ago.

During the conversation, Catherine had asked if Irina still contacts the aforementioned girl now. She answered, truthfully, no. And she did mention that she contacts me frequently.

"By phone?" Catherine asked again. Irina said yes, that she calls me at times.

"Oh well. In that case, you could go after this one instead."

The last statement angered Irina, because Catherine had not only insulted her, but also me- a close friend of hers as well. Besides, throughout the conversation, Catherine had rained humiliations on her, one after another.

And now I think about how quick most people out there are when it comes down to judgements. For instance, if a straight-A high school student had been discovered to be pregnant, the first thing that comes to people's mind is- Oh, she's actually been a slut all these while. For all we know, she could have been raped.

In Catherine's head, it doesn't matter what a good friend Irina had been to her. It doesn't matter that everyone knows that she is a good person. All she cares to know is she was involved with some girl.

Judge not, and you'll not be judged. Do you still buy that?

Mind your own business, whoever said that might as well have meant to say this instead. But it's neither realistic nor practical.

First, at the end of the day, we're all watched. We're all seen. We're all heard. We're all judged. It doesn't matter that you don't give a damn about the people around you. For almost everything you do and say, they're observing, consciously or subconsciously. And then, they process the information in their minds. It's inevitable.

Second, we'll all have to use our judgements. We judge if some people are worth spending quality time with. We judge if a situation is safe. We judge if somebody's action is justified or not.

I guess like many other things, it comes down to finding the equilibrium. You don't want an overdose. At the same time, you don't want an underdosage either.

And really, I wish some people would stop taking things too seriously. Everybody is born or made in different ways. You could be identical twins brought up under the same roof, but in one form or another, there are always variations.

This is one of the things that makes the world less monotonous.

Being Worthy

I am indulging in my studies, right now. I love studying, acquiring knowledge and figuring it all out in just one split second. I love logical thinking, and being the first to arrive at the right answers to all the questions.

I love scoring high marks, because they give me the satisfaction, knowing that I can do something great.

People ask me every now and then... what gives me the motivation to excel academically?

I tell them I'm a workaholic. That's true, but it's only part of the reason.

I figure having been kicked around since preschool had some effects on me. This one included.

Having had my dignity bruised and scarred so many times, I decided, at age 16 I'd really soar up high in the world of academics. I wanted to prove to every single soul that I worthed a hell lot. I'd excelled, and it's been my pride every since.

I know a girl, who also survived being bullied throughout high school. She's also eighteen, and she works as a part-time model for a magazine for guys. She's not conventionally pretty, but she's just the kind people would turn their heads right around to get a good glimpse at her. Looking at the pictures she'd posed in (some of which are, I should say, provocative), and her comments about them on Facebook, I could easily tell that she is doing all those things to hide her insecurity, and add some points to her self-worth.

We both shared one similarity: We don't take any insult.

Which reminds me, that I score high marks in every test and exam, to conceal my bruised dignity, and add some points to my self-worth.

To all of you out there: In the end, we all worth something, unless you allow yourself to fall. Don't you ever let yourself go.