Pretty? Unpretty?

Last month, I'd cut short my stay in my hometown- the place I loathe, and decided to return to college 2 weeks before classes commenced. My parents- out of protectiveness, had decided to drive me back to the hostel instead of letting me take public transport, like the majority of outstation students here. (I'd succeeded in persuading them to let me take a train starting from the next time though.) At some point of the journey, we stopped to take a rest. And that was when my mother, clearly after some observation, dished out her opinion on her teenaged daughter, "You're in the self-conscious phase where you feel that everybody's watching you."

"No," I vehemently denied. I'd always felt the need to be strong and unbeatable. So, before meeting my current bunch of friends who are the first persons I could relate to, I decided that I had to put on a confident front to obscure my inner, painfully shy self. Right then, the old habit simply slipped back to right where it had been.

"Yes, you are self-conscious. You feel that people are watching you and you're not yourself while walking through crowds." My mother concluded.

I remember when I first started attracting attention from strangers, I was merely thirteen. As I grew older, my features changed and I was no longer an ugly duckling, although I was still teased about my looks until my senior year in high school. I accepted the fact that my then schoolmates still had that old impression of me, and told myself that I didn't care much. All I cared about was scoring excellent grades, because back then there was nothing to care about.

And when strangers stared at me, as if I was something to eat, I'd scream in my head. What are you staring at?!

My mother told me when she was young and beautiful, that was what she thought whenever she encountered a similar situation. Now, after aging gracefully, she still attracts attention from every corner of the room. She has learned to take pleasure in those attention. People look at her, because she's good to look at.

People tell me I am beautiful every now and then. But if I have to believe this complimentary statement (which I do appreciate), I still have to convince myself that I am beautiful.

My boyfriend J tells me I am. He once told me that I have a pretty face, and when combined with other things about me, it makes me beautiful.

A girlfriend of mine whom I shall call Jennifer, is sweet, kind... and beautiful. But she does not think so, despite having been told that she is absolutely beautiful over and over again.

I guess some girls find it hard to believe they are beautiful, even though they really are.

My final verdict? I shall focus more on being absolutely intelligent and capable.

Besides, I should start acting naturally around people.