2 months, and 14 days

I know what you are wondering. If I know you in real life, you probably already knew. If we have never met, you probably would have guessed anyway.

After 2 months and 14 days, J and I broke up. I, have finally mustered enough strength to walk away from this unreal relationship, where he didn't really mean it when he said he loved me. In retropect, I've always known that he didn't truly love me.

Thinking back, I was simply a girl who caught his attention, unintentionally. He probably had "feelings" for me. At the end of the day, having "feelings" doesn't always mean "I love you". He might have admired my intelligence and sharpness, or/and he could have thought of me as an adorable girl, like my friends Jennifer and Ryan. But he didn't really care.

Now. This really leads me to wonder if men really possess certain quality emotions. Like what Jennifer says, it's so easy for guys to say "I love you", as if this meaningful phrase is just something to throw around. On Monday, hours before I broke up with J over the phone, I told her that I figured that at many times, when guys say that, they might as well say "I want you".

And I conclude that guys of our age are more into the experience, more than the commitment, trust and responsibility. I have realized why many girls, especially those who have been in relationships before don't trust guys. At least, not that easily.

I do not regret this relationship, because it opened my eyes to nearly everything. However, I don't regret walking away from this relationship. "You deserve better," almost everyone who knew about it, and talked to me about the breakup told me that. J wasn't there for me at all, but I was there for him. His actions, and broken promises pushed me away from him. Jennifer had been furious with him about that, even Ryan had wanted to show him the finger. His brother, and his brother's girlfriend hadn't agreed with his treatment of me.

People have also been telling me that I've been very strong, very good. At some point I'm going to have to move on. That was why I had chosen to move on immediately. I did not want to make most people's sad mistake by mourning for an eternity, wasting lives away.

Right now, I will put in most of my energy in my academics. I have a very bright future ahead of me, and someone waiting for me, somewhere in time.

I totally meant those words I screamed at him while tears streamed down my face. "I don't f___king care!"

Hell yeah, I don't care. I don't f___king care.

And why, I no longer cry over it. I am nearly 18 now, and big girls don't cry.

There will be no more pain. No more tears. No more ignorance.